SOUTH PARK AND SCIENTOLOGY GO TO WAR In recent years, baritone soul sensation Isaac Hayes has enjoyed a career renaissance as the voice of South Park's oversexed school cafeteria worker, Chef. Last week, however, he quit the show in protest of its "inappropriate ridicule of religion". By religion in this context, Hayes of course means the Church of Scientology, of which he has long been a member. Otherwise, how to explain his hanging around (and cashing the checks) for all those episodes featuring such delightful antics as the secret Vatican pedophile conclave and the Virgin Mary's blood-gushing cunt? It's official. This whole Chuck Norris thing has officially jumped the shark. When the animal-loving McLellan family from Minnesota sent letters to every Canadian Senator scolding our Great White Neighbors over their annual seal hunt, they probably didn't expect a reply that can only be characterized as a polite invitation to "kindly shut the fuck up, s'il vous plait". But that's exactly what they got from improbably-moniker'd Senator Céline Hervieux-Payette, who suggested that the McLellans' time might be better spent on such pressing issues as "the daily massacre of innocent people in Iraq, the execution of prisoners -- mainly blacks -- in American prisons, the massive sale of handguns to Americans, the destabilization of the entire world by the American government's aggressive foreign policy, etc." Apparently, Senator Céline isn't aware that many Americans these days are engaging in international activism because the will of the people hasn't meant diddly squat in the USA since November 7, 2000. Otherwise, she might have shown more restraint and understanding. Keeping on the subject of the Canadian seal hunt and its discontents, yer old pal Jerky would like to thank the McCartneys for perfectly illustrating the anthropomorphic wrong-headedness and intellectual vacuity of the "animal rights" movement by staging an elaborate photo-op with a cuddly white coat on an ice floe while one of their lackeys held its panicking mother at bay with a stick. The pup wasn't exactly chuffed about its forced audience with rock royalty, either. As Lady Heather snuggled up for a hug, the creature turned and snapped, threatening to give her a missing hand to go with her missing leg. The couple were so rattled by the experience that they momentarily lost their minds and actually attempted verbal communication with the infant sea-mammal, angrily whining: "But we're here to HELP you!" The grateful pup signaled its comprehension by taking a big, steaming shit right under their noses. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 15 On this day in 1820, Maine becomes the 23rd state to be admitted into the Union, and, having spent a considerable amount of time there, yer old pal Jerky isn't quite sure how he feels about that. Maine is beautiful, but it's also fuckin' creepy. Just look at their most important industries! Potatoes, the only vegetable with eyes, so they can watch while you chop them up; lobsters, which are uglier than most spiders, and which you boil alive before eating; and Stephen King novels, which account for roughly 35% of Maine's economy. Speaking of which, most of Maine is poor as dirt, but every summer, some areas are overrun by people so wealthy, nobody even knows who they are. We're talking Old Money, here. Old, creepy money. Thirteenth generation Slave Trade money. Lucky for the locals, most of these behind-the-scenes Prime Movers vacate "Vacationland" before the brutal North Atlantic winter sets in... and the Wendigo returns, to feed. On this day in 1964, president Lyndon Johnson urges Americans to wage a War on Poverty. Unfortunately, it never happened, because all the weapons and soldiers were tied up in Vietnam at the time. On this day in 1968, LIFE Magazine calls Jimi Hendrix "the most spectacular guitarist in the world." That his reputation survived the adulation of such a square publication is a testament to the veracity of that statement. On this day in 1982, actress Theresa Saladana is stabbed and stabbed and stabbed and stabbed and stabbed and stabbed and stabbed by an obsessed stalker. Not-so-ironically, it was the best thing that ever happened to her career.

THEY SAID IT! "So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies... You have obsructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail!" - In a statement released to and published by Daily Variety, South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone kick their war with $cientology up a notch, allegedly in response to Tom Cruise pulling some strings to stop Comedy Central from re-running an anti-Scientology episode. This time, there's no question as to who yer old pal Jerky's rooting for. Xenu, OUT! *** **** *** "He loves his rug. I've heard him describe it countless times." - White House communications director Nicolle Wallace discusses Preznit Dubya's infamous Oval Office rug -- the one with the blazing yellow sun design -- in a recent Washington Post article. Our old pal William Rivers Pitt, nonplussed by the Preznit's fixation on said minutia, suggests some alternative topics to which he might want to pay similar attention.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Ivan in Australia! Q: What's three miles long, green, and has an asshole every five feet? A: A Saint Patrick's Day Parade! *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Andres for sending in today's second joke. When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was immediately attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here!" Tarzan removed his loincloth... stepped closer with his huge manhood and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What in the Hell did you do that for?!" "Tarzan check for bees." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Javaid... An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter old Soviet offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten. So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable. The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoebox on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"

FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerkster, Your predictions for the Oscars most certainly did go online before the actual event transpired. I purposely checked the Dirt on Sunday afternoon (still daylight outside here in Southern California) to see if I could find your annual Nostradamian prognostifest. I did a quick skim & thought no more about it until the next morning when I checked the newrags & realized, "Holy shit! My old pal got every one right!" I remember it maaan… just like it was yesterday, instead of like, last week. Chippy ["Nostradamian prognostifest"? You're my new hero. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; The big difference I see between between Bill O'Reilly's reporting and your writing is that O'Reilly gives facts and tells the sources for the facts, where your writings are made from what ifs, and unsubstantiated rumors, rather than facts. You didn't give a single fact for your accusations against Bill. Your ramblings even make you sound jealous. And, you do have to admit, he has a much larger audience. D. Jones [Bitch, are you for real?! I linked to a Media Matters page that lists -- in excruciating detail and often with video -- no less than 419 incidents of the type I described in my editorial. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky... You used the word iota in your newsletter the other day. How much is an iota? And... how does it compare to a smattering??? ExShaw [Dictionary.com... do you speak it, motherfucker?! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Been enjoying your tattered little rag for about 7 years now, but dude, didn't your teachers ever tell you you have to show your working, and quote all references? We your loyal readers need to know where all those weird pics come from, like those dudes with the fucked up muscles, and the figure skater who loved to show her box off. Nice return to form to.... you rock. Muz of Oz [But that's where the MYSTERY comes from! Like those freakish images from the top of yesterday's Dirt... WTF was THAT?! - Jerky] *** **** *** hey Jerky; one has to ask are these guys for real? Thanks, Dave [That one shiny-faced guy with the gay rapist's stare and the barely-there eyebrows who only ever allows himself to be photographed with his sleeve rolled up to expose the pitiful "Chinese" tattoo on his waterlogged bicep... that guy is the living personification of gonorrhea. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerky, In response to the allegation that you faked your Oscar tips, I am several time zones ahead of Los Angeles time. I read and noted your predictions at least 12 hours real time before the Oscar ceremony began so either you have figured out how to navigate through time or some of your readers live in an alternate universe where the sun rises in the West and sets in the East. On a different note, if Mr Bush is given the same treatment as his predecessor and is also found guilty of acting outside the range of his powers, I solemnly undertake to attempt to forward to you a bottle of Cask Strength Single Malt Irish Whiskey. Not in payment for losing a wager but as a token of gratitude for the light of reason you have kept shining during these dark, dark times. Happy St Patrick’s Day! Chef Paul [I look forward to that day, Paul. Erin go bragh! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerky, Jmika has got to be kidding... right? Either that or the woman truely is INSANE!!! So here's my advice: I assume by your mention of "custody of the kids" that you are divorcing your insane, slutty, child molester loving wife. So all you'll need to do is have your lawyer present the court with your evidence of her affair with this scum sucker and the judge will never give her custody of the kids unless he is also INSANE!!! Have your lawyer try to get a judge that hates sexual predators and cheating wives. While it is true that in most divorce cases the mother usually gets custody of the kids, it is also unfortunately true that in those cases the father was the offender, cheater, or whatever leading to the divorce in the first place. In cases where the mother is proven to be unfit as a parent by actions such as your wife's, the father is usually given custody. As for the scum sucker in question, he will no doubt be spending most of, if not the rest of his natural life behind bars learning daily lessons on what it's like being a victim of sexual predators taught to him in very unpleasant ways by his huge, butt ugly, butt hungry cell mates... we can all hope. So, I don't think you will have too much to worry about him getting ahold of your daughter or your wife ever again or your wife getting custody of the kids either. I feel for you man, my wife was a victim of one of these scum suckers when she was little and she's still getting therapy for it 35 years later. In her case fortunately, justice came in the form of her offender's having a fatal fishing accident. I was told he was fishing on some rocks in a river and slipped and hit his head on a rock. I call that "Natural Justice" or karma if you choose. Signed: Ican Relate [More tips for Jmika in tomorrow's Dirt. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com